For most children, the family pets are a lot more than just animals that the family owns. Children can view pets as members of the family and their best friends. Unfortunately, while owning a pet can be wonderful for children for lots of different reasons, the joy of pet ownership also comes alongside the difficulty and pain of losing a pet, whether to an accident, an illness, or just to old age.
Losing a pet is hard for the whole family, but it can be especially difficult for children. The family pet might be the one that greets your children when they first get up in the morning and when they get from school. Their beloved cat or dog might be the member of the family that your child goes to for comfort and companionships when they are feeling upset or unwell. Losing a pet can be especially tough for very young children who may be experiencing a death for the first time and may struggle to understand what has happened and why.
Unfortunately, it is impossible to completely shelter your children from the loss of a pet, but there are some things that you can do to help them understand and come to terms with the loss, and cope better. The death of a pet is often a child’s first experience of losing a loved one, so this grieving process can help them to learn how to cope with other losses as they get older, if you can teach them coping mechanisms now.
Sharing The News
One of the hardest parts of losing a much loved family pet can be breaking the sad news to your children. When you need to do this, try to tell your kids in a one-on-one conversation in a place where they feel safe and comfortable. Choose a location that is free of distractions too, so they can focus on what you’re telling them.
As you might with any difficult conversation that you need to have, try to work out how much information your child might need to hear based on their age, maturity, and life experience. Only you can really judge what your child is ready to hear, and what they might need to know to help them understand what has happened.
If your family pet is already very old or is struggling with a long illness, it’s a good idea to start talking to your children about death before the death actually happens. Try to help them understand what might be coming soon, so they are more prepared when it does eventually happen. The death will be less of a shock. If you need to make the decision to have your pet euthanized after an illness or accident, you want to make sure your children understand what is happening. Explain to them that the vet has tried everything that they can to help your pet get better. Make sure they understand that your pet won’t be able to get better and that this is the kindest way to take away their pain and suffering. Make sure they know that they won’t be hurt or scared, and will pass away peacefully.
The age and maturity level of your child, and asking them a few questions will help you to decide whether it would be better to offer a clear and simple explanation of what is going to happen. If you decide this is the best option, it is okay to use words like death and dying, or to say something like, “The vet will give our pet a shot that will put it to sleep first, and then will stop their heart from beating.” A lot of children will want to have a chance to say goodbye to their pet first, and some may be able to cope with being there to comfort their pet during the whole process. Only you can decide what they’re ready for.
If your pet does have to be euthanized, be careful using language like the animal went ‘to sleep’, or has been ‘put to sleep’. A lot of young kids take things quite literally, and this may be confusing for them. If they get confused, this can conjure up some scary ideas about sleep, surgery, and anesthesia. It might seem kinder to use euphemisms for death like this, but it can actually cause more upset and worry.
If the death of a pet is more sudden, calmly explain to your children what has happened. Keep your explanation brief, stay away from upsetting details, and let your child ask as many questions as they need to. Let these questions guide you in deciding what information you should give them.
Stick To The Truth
Don’t be tempted to gloss over what has happened with a lie. If your child is sensitive or really loved the pet, it can be tempting to tell them something else, like, “Rover ran away” or “Mittens went on a trip.” As tempting as this can be, it’s not usually a good idea to do this. Telling them a lie like this won’t actually do much to alleviate their sadness about losing their beloved furry friend, and if they do then later find out the truth, your child will be upset and angry with you for lying to them. It can also cause a lot of confusion for them and stop them from beginning to learn about the grieving process.
If your child asks you what will happen to your pet after it has died, you can draw on your own understanding of death to explain it to them, including, if it is relevant, the viewpoint of your family’s faith or religion. Since none of us really knows exactly what happens after we die, it is also perfectly okay to honestly tell them that you don’t know. This is an appropriate answer, and it’s alright to tell a child that death is a mystery.
Helping Your Child To Cope
Like anyone who is dealing with a loss, children will probably go through a lot of different emotions, as well as the obvious sadness, after a family pet has died. Your child might feel lonely when they have lost a friend. They might feel angry at you or the vet if the pet had to be euthanized, frustrated that their pet wasn’t able to get better, or guilty about any times that they were mean to the animal or didn’t do enough to care for it as they had promised to. All of these feelings are normal.
Your job now is to help your children to understand that it is natural to feel all of these different emotions. Let them know that it is okay to not want to walk about the way they feel at first, but that you are there and ready to listen to them as soon as they are ready to talk.
You also shouldn’t feel as though you should hide your own feelings about losing a pet from your children. Showing them how you feel and being able to talk openly about feeling sad can help to set an example for your children. You can show them that is okay and healthy to feel sad when you lose someone that you love, to talk about how you feel, and to cry if you are feeling sad. It can also be a comfort to some children to know that they are not the only ones who feel sad. Talk about the pet together, and share stories about your own childhood pets and how you felt about their loss. Choosing memorials for pets together can open up these conversations too.
Moving Forward
After the initial shock of the bad news has faded, you can start helping your child to heal and move on.
You might find it helps your children to find special ways to remember the pet they have lost. You could have a ceremony to bury your pet or to share some memories of happy times you all spent together. You might want to write a prayer together or offer some thoughts about what the pet meant to each member of the family. You could each tell a story about something funny that your pet did. Offer plenty of hugs. You could also think about making a project together to help them remember, like a scrapbook full of pictures of their pet.
Grieving the loss of a pet, especially for children, is similar to grieving a person. Losing a pet that gave a child companionship can be a lot harder for children than losing a distant relative. You might need to explain this to your friends or family members, or other people that don’t have pets and don’t really understand.
Most importantly, you should talk about your pet together often. Let your child know that the pain will go away eventually, but they will always have happy memories of their pet. When the time is right, you might want to think about getting a new pet for the family. This isn’t a replacement but is a way to welcome another animal into the family.
